Earlier this week, Nike announced that former NFL quarterback Colin Kapernick will be the face of their new campaign. Some applauded the move, while others went to extreme lengths to express their displeasure.
24-year-old Eric Hendricks, like many others, expressed his outrage about Nike’s decision by destroying merchandise. However, there has been one piece of Nike merch Hendricks has had trouble parting with. He had no problem setting his grey “Your Mom Knows” tee shirt ablaze, or cutting up his grass stained Air Monarchs with silly scissors, but Hendricks hesitant to get rid of his socks.
“I’ve beat my meat with every sock under the sun,” says Hendricks, his voice full of reminiscence. “But nothing brings me to a more satisfying completion than a good ole Nike tube sock.” Hendricks is a self-described “sock snob”. “I can’t make the bald man cry with any old sock. Adidas’ make me cum too quickly. Puma’s socks are so thin, I always end up with nut on my hand. And don’t even get me started on Under Armor. I might as well jerk off with sandpaper.”
Hendricks is not alone in his grieving. A report stated that 27% of all conservatives are looking for something new to ejaculate in. Real Beaters Anonymous, a Facebook group that exchanges masturbation techniques has provided a list of alternatives. Porridge, half empty Gatorade bottles and dust jackets have been popular among its members. Susan Hendricks, Eric’s mom, has her own suggestion. “I don’t care, as long as it’s not something that I have to clean every week.”