Quinnipiac University is a school that prides itself on constantly making changes to improve its campus, and this year is no exception. Previously students had 24/7 access to awful health care, but the school has went above and beyond this semester to fix this problem. They are now limiting access to this shitty service.
“The health care we were offering before was just god awful,” explained Dean of Students Dr. Monique Drucker. “One night, I jokingly said to the new school President Judy that students would be better off without it and she was like ‘hell yeah’ and now here we are.”
The results of this new health care method are already being demonstrated as instead of having to get their hopes up that the school might be able to assist them, students now have the ability to give up immediately.
“The new health care is great!” said junior Stacy Bronson, “I used to be forced to wait days for treatment only of course to end up getting a Band-Aid put over my stab wound. Now I can get right to finishing my will and calling my family to say that I love them.”
“I was a huge fan of the two week waiting system for counseling they implemented last year,” said sophomore Gracie Hansen. “When I was deeply clinically depressed for medical reasons beyond my control, it helped me having to wait. Now the fact that help is even less accessible I can finally experience the back of an ambulance after my probable attempted suicide which i’ve always wanted to see.”
This is not the only benefit that the new system provides though, as it also gives students an opportunity to prepare for post grad life.
“Without constant access to healthcare I get a very neat insight into Americas horribly flawed medial system!” said senior Joe Gannon. “I no longer have to wait until graduation to be in constant fear of the slightest medical condition sending me into financial hell, I can start today!”
It would seem that many students are in favor of this new ‘quality over quantity’ approach that the school is taking, but when asked why not have both quantity as well as quality when it comes to health care school representatives were hesitant to respond.
“uhhhh ummmm, crap,”said one school rep who then declined further comment. This, of course, just further proves the unwavering commitment Quinnipiac has to the health and safety of the student body.