This past Monday morning, Public Safety dealt with an influx of complaints regarding North Lot’s depletion of parking spots. Tarence Oakman, a sophomore Psychology major, said he had spent over an hour and a half looking for a quiet place to park his Subaru Outback.
“I was losing my patience, man. I just wanted to park, meet with my friend Mary-Jane, and go to class.” Tarence was one of many students to be lost in the sea of cars during the exhaustion of spots on Monday morning. “I tried one spot, but there was a Mercedes crookedly parked. I tried another spot, but it was blocked by a van with a keg in the front seat. I was so sick of these rich assholes taking up all of the goddamn parking spots, man. They have one spot for their car, and another two for their massive egos.”
Before coming to his psychology class thirty minutes after it started, Oakman went through a life changing journey that not even a sixty thousand dollar education could achieve . “He barges into class, reeking of grass and coffee, yelling about being successful with finding a spaceman, and how everyone in class can 'suck his muffler,'” stated fellow classmate Quintin Edwards. “I realized my plans for becoming an entrepreneur was like these parking spots: Always gonna be trumped by the douche-bag in the Mercedes. So, I pushed some old Chevy out of a spot and took it. That guy had enough time in the spotlight. It’s park or be parked on, man.”
After word had spread of Tarence's spiritual discoveries, loads of other students, some of which do not even own cars on campus, went out into North Lot to find their own self worth. When informed of this trend, Public Safety responded with, “We advise that no more students attempt to reach nirvana in North Lot. The risk of getting hit while blazed out of your mind is rising.”
“Now that I found this major mind-bending puzzle piece, I invited others to join me to find their true selves.” Despite warnings from Public Safety, Tarence now holds yoga classes in North Lot from 6 to 11 am.