Quinnipiac pollsters went on strike last week amidst overly brutal working conditions at the institute.
Student employees have repeatedly expressed their concerns over the labor practices allegedly in tune with industry standards of the Far East. Such practices consist of 65-hour workweeks, no pee breaks, and corporal punishment.
“If it’s good for the kids in Vietnam, it’s good for our students,” said director Maurice Carroll. “They really need to stop their bitching.”
The strike came as a surprise to many as the most recent poll, conducted in-house by the institute to its callers, revealed that 98% of workers were “very satisfied” with conditions at the center, a figure that caller Dylan Pollack described as “about as reliable as a coked-out Dattco driver.”
“This is bullshit,” said strike leader Jamie Francis. “If they keep being the ‘trolling’ institute, we’re taking our cold-calling talents to Alumni Affairs.”
According to the Polling Institute, callers complete one survey out of every 150 calls, giving the Institute a .06% success rating. Recent data reveals that in 69% of calls receivers respond with “fuck off” as opposed to 29% with “blow me.” Roughly 1% of calls resulted in a deep conversation about the mysteries of the universe. This is a slight improvement from last year when 13% of callers received death threats.
Despite the fact that 29% of the US can’t name the vice president, 73% can’t say why we fought the Cold War, 44% are unable to define the Bill of Rights, and 6% can’t circle Independence Day on a calendar, assistant director Peter Brown says that it is still important to conduct opinion and census polls even though the overwhelming majority of Americans are “complete dipshits.”
All polling activities have ceased due to the ongoing strike. In the meantime, the Institute advises that if you want to waste your time while accomplishing nothing, perhaps heroin is right for you.