News broke earlier today when the notorious venereal disease, Genital Herpes, revealed in a press conference that it did not originate in Lindsay Lohan’s vagina, as was previously thought, but instead was birthed in a local night club in New Haven, CT frequented by Quinnipiac students.
According to statements from the disease’s publicist, the disease has come to terms with its high profile reputation of being a complete son of a bitch and is ready to talk about its past.
“I was born back stage at a Rick Astely concert in the early 80s. He wasn’t quite famous yet but he was already into some weird shit. As I’m told, there were monkeys, transsexuals of all races, and plethora of drugs ranging from LSD to crack cocaine,” said Herpes.
When asked why it decided to leave its home town the virus stated, “New Haven and that club is where I was born, there is no denying that and that will never change, but even a disease that has made its home between the legs of some of the most vile creatures in the world knows when it has to get out.”
In a follow up statement, Herpes’ publicist made clear, “Herpes recognizes that it is one of the biggest mother fucking flaming douche canoes in the history of humanity, but have you seen New Haven, Connecticut? What kind of sick creature would willingly be there? That’s the kind of place AIDS goes to die.”
Genital Herpes also announced that it would be working on a book of its life in which it will be addressing its high profile break up with pop diva Madonna and its ongoing relationship with former Vice President Dick Cheney.
Quinnipiac students and frequenters of the club were asked how they felt about one of their most popular weekend spots being the birth place of the disease.
Quinnipiac Sophomore Jenna D’Onofrio best summarized student’s sentiments on the announcement. “I mean its whatever,” she said, scratching herself. “What else am I gonna do on Saturday?”