A recent investigation into student affairs by Residential Life revealed that junior John Maggi does not exist. The investigation concluded that the whole idea of “John Maggi,” previously thought to be an average student on campus, is actually a collectively held delusion all students experience.
Sources close to Maggi say they’ve had suspicions that he was a phantom nonperson for a while now.
“He was always just kind of there,” junior Samuel Snow-Cronin told reporters after the investigation. “He never really did anything or talked to anyone. I assumed that was because he was boring, but in hindsight, this makes more sense.”
“I mean, he barely existed before,” Snow-Cronin added.
Health center officials warn that the sighting of “John” is considered a serious symptom of an undefined psychological issue, and it is recommended that if any student believes they see him they should ignore his or her presence and see a doctor immediately.
“I used to believe he had a radio show,” junior Stephanie Griffin told reporters as she waited at the health center to diagnose her hallucination, “but when I would try to listen in all I would hear is dead air. I guess that’s a good summary of what it was like when I was around him. He was like visual dead air.”
After a standard 3 and a half hour wait, Griffin was finally seen and reportedly given a bucket of ADD pills to treat the psychosis.
When reached for comment, the hallucination “John” told reporters, “For the last time, I’m just a busy guy. I can’t stop to talk or be near other people all the time.”
“John” then drifted into the nearest brick wall, dissolving into the next room over for a math class.