Timothy "Little Timmy" Valentino was apprehended after a 3-hour long tricycle chase late Tuesday evening. Valentino had been on the run after being named the prime suspect in the murder of Peter Retend, a 4-year-old boy who was viciously attacked two days prior to the chase.
“He was a good boy, P would never have done anything to deserve this,” said Retend’s foster mother, Noelle T. Real. After being brought in for questioning, Valentino claimed that the victim had been selling Kit-Kats on his side of the playground, but said “I never would have hurt the poopyhead.”
“A battle over turf,” said the sheriff of the Imaginary Polica Department, “these have been more and more common since the kids switched off of skittles and moved on to Kit-Kats. Let's just be thankful they haven't switched to the Hershey’s trade.” Another local officer added “Here at the IPD we take candy-abuse very seriously, And another murder over who's selling where? This is a serious problem.”
A concerned member of the community added “Candy is becoming a big issue, and with this so-called ‘Halloween’ coming up, things are bound to be bad. It’s 4/20 all over again.” Valentino was sentenced to 20 minutes of time out and no dessert, but some are voicing their concerns over cruel and unusual punishment.
“I just wanted justice for my son.” Said Retend’s foster mother, “I didn't want to ruin Timmy’s life.” However, the Dictator of Houseland, Mom, claimed otherwise. “When I said no candy before dinner, I meant it.” Mom’s second head had wanted less punishment, but her fifth head claimed “He should be lucky he only got 20 minutes.”
Further attempts to reach Mom were met with silence, but Mom’s secretary, Dad, had a few words. “I just do what she says. I don't want to sleep on the couch.” An appeal to overturn the punishment will be reviewed this time next week.