Brazilian authorities have confirmed that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte filed a police report regarding his own murder. Lochte claimed to have been murdered in the streets of Rio de Janeiro. Lochte reported his death to Brazilian police this past weekend, bursting through the doors of a local police station in Rio seeming “not all there” according to eyewitnesses.
“He seemed off, like a drunk baby. All I know is that he was flailing his arms and shouting ‘He’s trying to knock me off the top! He thinks I’ll break his record! Take him away I’m just a kid!’ or something,” stated officer Michael Andrande. “It was painful. I’ve never experienced such a sensation as being murdered before. It’s different, I can definitely testify to that. There’s no way I could make this up,” Lochte said while looking around nervously at his friends.
Lochte’s fellow teammates backed up the surprising report. Jack Conger claimed he was there the night of the murder. “Seriously, Ryan’s not lying about this. He’s really scarred right now. It was scarier than the night we got mugged, you had to be there,” Conger said.
Lochte claimed he was bludgeoned in the back of the head with a round, gold, and shiny object. When asked how he could tell the color of the object being bashed into the back of his head, he started to visibly sweat before answering, “I just could feel it. You can just feel everything. It’s like dying opens up a sixth sense of detection.”
Brazilian authorities tried to make a point that it was a baseless accusation, but U.S. officials assured the media that they could never be wrong. An impending investigation is expected to prove any un-American source as illegitimate.