According to a local Labradoodle, master James Murphy has been missing for approximately five minutes. Lucy, a three-year-old yellow mix, has become anxious over the frequent disappearances of her master lately, and she has decided to take action this time.
“HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU GO MASTER I LOVE YOU,” quoted the mutt solemnly. “PLEASE COME HOME PLEASE COME BACK I MISS YOU.”
Local authorities have received approximately 1,511 missing persons’ notices from Lucy over the years, and they are awestruck by the dog’s persistence.
“We’re honestly not sure how a dog was able to submit these reports,” added Hamden Police Chief Lucas DiCaprese. “We thought it was some joke, but once it got past 100, we knew it had to be a dog. Nothing shows a dog’s love like frantically believing you died five times a day.”
Lucy’s concerns for her master are not alone. In a recent QU poll, 97% of dogs in an online survey reported that their owners have disappeared forever “at least twice a day”. Cats, on the other hand, reported otherwise.
“Lucy is so goddamn annoying,” said Mr. Whiskers, Murphy’s second pet. “If she would just shut up and sleep all day like me, she’d probably give her blood pressure a break. No wonder she has a life expectancy of like 10 years.”
Breaking news: James Murphy was last spotted leaving the bathroom, telling Lucy, “I know you love me, but you should have known I would come right back. Don’t have a heart attack, okay girl?”