On November 18th, as is tradition, Quinnipiac will make its annual virgin sacrifice to the Town of Hamden, under a memorandum of understanding.
Since Quinnipiac’s establishment in 1929, the university has sacrificed a virgin in a gesture of good will to the city of Hamden. Also to avoid paying really high taxes.
The first sacrifice occurred after Samuel W. Tator, the founder of Quinnipiac, saw the first tax bill for his fledgling university. Unable to pay the exorbitant costs, Tator talked to Hamden mayor Henry Gruber, saying, “Anything we can do about this tax bill?” while winking. The two men agreed to sacrifice a virginal student, Lana Commons, in order to keep the taxes low. In exchange, Commons became the name of the resident hall where all virgins must live in their first year.
The tradition has continued every year and this year is no exception, with a small caveat. “Kids these days are born with their penises in their vaginas, so you really got to find these kids young to ensure they’re virgins,” said Megan Rift, the Director of Quinnipiac-Hamden Relations. “We’ve implemented a new system where Quinnipiac faculty, who have daughters under the age of five, enter a lottery to be chosen as the sacrifice. It’s the same system we use for housing, so you know it’s fair!”
This year the lucky sacrifice will be Francine Denison, daughter of biology professor Winston Denison. “As a Hamden resident, I understand what must be done,” said Denison, while gathering the rocks that were soon to be thrown at his daughter. “My daughter shall be sacrificed in the name of tax-free property and that is something we can all agree upon.”
At press time, Francine Denison was hoping someone would “volunteer as tribute,” before the sacrifice began.